Saturday, November 28, 2009

Frank Santelli

It's so weird how someone without a heart was able to get heart cancer.

I know people are wondering why I would post nasty things about my grandfather. The truth is that he is such an awful person there are not any words that could give him justice.

First off I will admit that I'm probably the only one in our family that had any kind of relationship. He has 10 kids, 17 grand kids, and, I think, 5 great grand kids. My daughter is named after his wife, my grandmother, Janet. Frank was always nice to me. He took me to Disney World when I was 4. I worked for him too. I could always see he was an asshole, but he is 100% Italian. I knew Italians had attitude. After all, I have one too!

I won't go into details about what he did to Grandma and the kids. Truth is I don't know all of it because no one will talk about it. I don't blame them one bit. But the little I do know has made me stone cold against Frank.

Grandma becomes very ill in May 2003. I also won't get into all of the details, but this was the final straw. The main problem was he wasn't going to claim Grandma's body. He wanted her buried in his family area at the local cemetery. Luckily the children were able to get power of attorney and have Grandma buried in HER family plot in her home town Hinckley. She was finally able to escape from the evil that is Frank Santelli. We thought she could finally be at peace with her family.

He doesn't give up. He buys 12 plots in the cemetery and right across from her he erects a monstrosity of a headstone for him. He even has pictures of her laminated on the stone. It was bad enough that we were always nervous about going to the cemetery because we never knew if he was going to be there.

This man, Frank Santelli, is a monster. I hate him for what he did to my grandma, mom, and her siblings. HOWEVER!! There is ONE good thing that came out of all of this. He showed my mom and her siblings what not to be like as a parent. I will never thank him for my mother. I'll thank Grandma for my mom.

Is it un-Christian of me to be like this? It's not up to me to forgive him. I won't forgive him. I blame him for Grandma's death. I blame him for her smoking. I blame him for everything.

It's a real shame he was able to live this long. My father's parents, Shirley and Arthur, were great people. Even my mom doesn't have anything bad to say about them. They died in 1978 and 1981. Grandma died in 2003. Now it looks like Frank will died in 2009. My dad's dad is unfortunately still alive.

Why is it the good die first and we're left with the awful ones? Why do we have to say goodbye to the ones we love and adore, but have to continue living with those we hate? Why? WHY????? Why did Grandma have to pass away? How come Frank was able to live another 6 years? It's so unfair.

I miss my grandma so much. She was so special to me. At her wake I knelt next to her and swore I would name my first daughter after her. I miss her so much. So very very much.

You can think me a cruel person, but I am happy Frank is going to die. I'm happy he has heart cancer. I'm happy that he won't be contaminating my air.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Now I Need To Vent A Lot

I don't even know where to begin.

Guess what. When I have free time I am going to be so selfish about it and use it as me time. I feel bad as it is neglecting things, but fuck!! I am really stressed and overwhelmed. I'm my best friend's matron of honor next month and I know I've been a bad one. I haven't been responding to emails and texts lately. When I get time to sit down and think I get selfish!! I surf the net, I catch up on my DVR, read the news or I take a nap. After Janet goes to bed I spend time with my husband since that's the only time we get by ourselves.

When I have free time I don't want to do shit. I don't want to do work. I don't want to think.

I am so frustrated!! I think everything will be okay on Monday after Janet's party. Shit, I've even been neglecting that!!! I just realized I have so much to do for it.

Is it so wrong of me to be selfish with my free time? I don't have time to think of others it seems. I have time to think of Janet and when she's sleeping I think of me.

Also, I'm not sacrificing my sleep at night. With a sleeping disorder I can't. I have to get 7-8 hours of sleep. So no I won't stay up later. I will not cut down on my sleep. Sleep is sacred when you're a parent.

I just want to escape!! Also, I hate hormones.

Need To Vent A Little

I thought it would be boredom that would get to me. I don't have time to be bored. There is always something to do. It's loneliness that is getting to me. I feel so lonely. It doesn't help that I have social anxiety. It's not like I want to go out and do stuff. I wouldn't mind even just hanging out at home with other adults.

I love staying at home with Janet. I'm so incredibly lucky to be able to stay with her, but there are so many times I feel like she is my only friend. I'm feeling left out. I love it when she takes a nap because then I can get more chores finished, but it's also when it really sinks in how lonely I feel. Man, I used to be totally okay without anyone in my life. I loved being alone. But since Janet came along I feel the need of having adults in my life.

I want to be involved. I am so jealous of Zac because he gets to go to work everyday. I never thought I'd ever say that. He gets to escape. He gets to go to work and talk to friends. He gets to spend time with adults!!

I wish family lived nearby. It would be easier to escape with them around. I wouldn't feel as guilty to ask them to come over and watch Janet while Zac and I did stuff.

But in the end Janet's needs and wants trump mine. I'm shocked how I've been able to put me second. I used to think I couldn't be a parent because I am very selfish. Not anymore!

Shit. This could also be because I'm PMSing and hormones are out of whack.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

One Week

Next Sunday Janet turns one. Wow. That's all I can say. WOW.

It is by far the best day of my life. I never knew I could love someone so much. I never knew I could be so happy. I never thought I'd change. Why has God blessed me so much?

Many of my family will say religion has gotten to me or friends have. But they didn't make me change. Janet made me change. Janet gave me a whole new perspective on life. I was always selfish, putting my needs and wants in front of everyone's, including my husband. It was always about me. Me me me me me!!!

Then Janet came along. I'm nowhere near as selfish as I used to be. Janet's happiness and well being is my #1 priority. She is my everything. I will stop at nothing to make sure she is comfortable. All of my needs and wants come second. I'm hungry at the same time as Janet. Tough shit. Janet gets fed first.

Janet is my life. Janet is my princess. If Janet is happy, I am happy. If Janet is sad, I am sad.

I wouldn't change it for anything.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Then So Be It........

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and this is my final solution: I really do love Janet more than anyone or anything in this world. Yes, even more than God. If that makes me a bad or fake Christian in your eyes I do not care. Fact is I believe in God. I believe Jesus is our savior and He died on the cross for our sins. Zac is my main spiritual advisor and he has told me everything is between God and me. I don't care what others think of me. I'll answer to God when I die. If you're not going to like me because I'm a hypocrite look in the mirror. At least I will admit I'm not a perfect Christian/Catholic. I admit I have faults. I struggle with my faith everyday. Also, maybe you shouldn't like any Christian unless they are as perfect as God. Do you know any? Yeah, me either.

I could survive without God. I could survive without Jesus. I could survive without Zac, my family, and my friends.

However, I absolutely CANNOT survive without my daughter. Besides, without her, I would have never fully accepted the fact that there is a God. My marriage to Zac really helped pave the way, but Janet sealed the deal. I look at her everyday and am convinced there is a higher being. I don't know how else I managed to get so lucky to have her as my daughter.

If I lost Janet you might as well lock me up in an asylum. My heart aches from all the love I feel for her. There is so much love there my heart can't contain it. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. She's my greatest accomplishment. She is my life. A life without Janet is not worth living.

So there you have it. You don't like it, oh well. It's between God and me. You want to call me a hypocrite or a bad Christian because of this then seriously look in the mirror because I highly doubt you are also a perfect Christian.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Life Without Janet?

The case of Jaycee out in California really had me thinking. Would I be able to survive without Janet? If she was kidnapped I don't know what I would do. I'd be dead to the world. I always thought that since she is a daughter her daddy would be the over protective one, but I don't think that is the case. The maternal instinct in me is so incredibly strong. She is my everything. I look at her in the monitor and the thought of anyone hurting her physically or emotionally brings tears to my eyes. Zac and I have it planned out that her boyfriends think they should be scared of Zac when in reality they should be scared of me.

I read stories of mothers intentionally harming their child. It disturbs me when fathers do it, but there's something about a mother abusing her child. As a mother I am my child's ultimate protector. Mothers should not harm their child. The bond there is indescribable too. I didn't just help create her. I baked and gave birth to her!! I remember I cried when her belly button fell off. That belly button was the last thing that kept us connected physically. It really broke my heart when it fell off.

People ask me why I'm so political all of a sudden. They ask me why I'm not liberal anymore. The ones who are following blindly with all of Obama's plans do not have children. With every bill that is written and every plan being said out loud I see Janet and my future children's futures go down the drain. Anyone with a kid would not approve of these programs and plans. I see their basic freedoms being stripped away. My parents and others tell me it's no use and to stop wasting my energy. I will not go down without a fight. I will not stand by and watch my children's future collapse. I won't tolerate it. I won't do it. At the 9/12 rally in Washington DC a woman was holding a sign that said "An angry mom is worse than an angry mob!" She is right.

Remember A Time To Kill? Yeah, you put a hand on my daughter I'll go Samuel L. Jackson on your ass.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I'm Disgusted

Yes I read and watch Fox News. Yes I read conservative blogs and papers. Guess what! I also read and watch CNN. I also read liberal blogs and papers!! I really do enjoy getting both sides of the story. I just hardly post them because I don't agree with them. Since I prefer to get my news from Fox I don't think for myself. I don't get it. Aren't these people being hypocrites? The other news sources report the news the exact same way Fox does, just with a different angle. So, how is that we who prefer Fox News don't think for themselves, but those who watch CNN do? Um, what?

I've had it. I am sick of playing nice and respecting other people's views and opinions when they trash my own. I'm sick of being told to think for myself when I think the others don't, yet I don't say a God damn thing because that is THEIR RIGHT to have their opinion. You want to watch CNN or read The New York Times? Great! Good for you! You have that right! I don't care. Just don't bash me on my news source because it's different from yours.

I remember growing up and there was an emphasis on being yourself. Don't go with what the majority want if you don't want to. I was with the majority on Bush and got along so well with my liberal friends. My friends who were Bush supporters didn't treat me any different. My entire family, even all the in-laws, are Republicans and Bush supporters. They didn't bash my views or opinions at all. I didn't do it to them either. But now that I disagree with the liberals I've been handed a scarlet letter. It's really sad that it comes to this. The liberals forgot how much we got along, but disagree with them, you all of a sudden have leprosy. They don't want anything to do with you. If you are even a little different from them they don't want you around. My conservative friends embraced me even though we disagree on many topics.

Yet I'm still pretty liberal with social issues. But since I don't agree with them on everything anymore we can't get along. I read links that my liberal friends post and I read the comments. I refrain from saying anything because I value their opinion and view. That is what makes America great. We can disagree with the government and each other. We're allowed to have our own individual personality.

Honestly, this really does make me sad. It makes me so sad that we can't embrace each other's different opinions. All of my best friends voted for Obama and as much as I disagree with them I don't say shit. Like I didn't say shit to the Bush supporters.

I have great liberal friends who do respect my opinion and this post is not directed towards you. Quinn and Erika, even though I disagree with you I am so glad we've been able to be respectful towards each other and treat each other like adults. You listen to my arguments and I listen to yours. We know we won't change the other's mind, but we still listen.

America is wonderful mainly because of free speech. I treasure the 1st amendment almost as much as I do the 10th.

I know I have lost my temper and I hate it when I do, but those who know me know I only do that when I am extremely pissed off. I try to follow Thomas Jefferson's advice: When you're angry count to 10. If you're really angry count to 100. Sometimes I just can't do it. I'm human.

I'm not a rebel. I don't think I am because I disagree with the MSM or the government. I can't believe how sad this is making me feel. I'm really losing hope in humanity when we bash people for their opinions. I refuse to cut off friendships with people because of their views. Another great Thomas Jefferson quote: I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend. Yet now I do feel like doing it. My views and pessimism make people puke, yet my views and pessimism with previous administrations didn't.

If you want to defriend me for this post go ahead. I just can't bring myself not to defriend someone over a difference of opinion. Just quit bashing where I get my news from. I don't do it to you. I don't go to your page and litter it with insults. Just be respectful no matter how much you disagree, especially to my other friends.