Saturday, November 28, 2009

Frank Santelli

It's so weird how someone without a heart was able to get heart cancer.

I know people are wondering why I would post nasty things about my grandfather. The truth is that he is such an awful person there are not any words that could give him justice.

First off I will admit that I'm probably the only one in our family that had any kind of relationship. He has 10 kids, 17 grand kids, and, I think, 5 great grand kids. My daughter is named after his wife, my grandmother, Janet. Frank was always nice to me. He took me to Disney World when I was 4. I worked for him too. I could always see he was an asshole, but he is 100% Italian. I knew Italians had attitude. After all, I have one too!

I won't go into details about what he did to Grandma and the kids. Truth is I don't know all of it because no one will talk about it. I don't blame them one bit. But the little I do know has made me stone cold against Frank.

Grandma becomes very ill in May 2003. I also won't get into all of the details, but this was the final straw. The main problem was he wasn't going to claim Grandma's body. He wanted her buried in his family area at the local cemetery. Luckily the children were able to get power of attorney and have Grandma buried in HER family plot in her home town Hinckley. She was finally able to escape from the evil that is Frank Santelli. We thought she could finally be at peace with her family.

He doesn't give up. He buys 12 plots in the cemetery and right across from her he erects a monstrosity of a headstone for him. He even has pictures of her laminated on the stone. It was bad enough that we were always nervous about going to the cemetery because we never knew if he was going to be there.

This man, Frank Santelli, is a monster. I hate him for what he did to my grandma, mom, and her siblings. HOWEVER!! There is ONE good thing that came out of all of this. He showed my mom and her siblings what not to be like as a parent. I will never thank him for my mother. I'll thank Grandma for my mom.

Is it un-Christian of me to be like this? It's not up to me to forgive him. I won't forgive him. I blame him for Grandma's death. I blame him for her smoking. I blame him for everything.

It's a real shame he was able to live this long. My father's parents, Shirley and Arthur, were great people. Even my mom doesn't have anything bad to say about them. They died in 1978 and 1981. Grandma died in 2003. Now it looks like Frank will died in 2009. My dad's dad is unfortunately still alive.

Why is it the good die first and we're left with the awful ones? Why do we have to say goodbye to the ones we love and adore, but have to continue living with those we hate? Why? WHY????? Why did Grandma have to pass away? How come Frank was able to live another 6 years? It's so unfair.

I miss my grandma so much. She was so special to me. At her wake I knelt next to her and swore I would name my first daughter after her. I miss her so much. So very very much.

You can think me a cruel person, but I am happy Frank is going to die. I'm happy he has heart cancer. I'm happy that he won't be contaminating my air.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Now I Need To Vent A Lot

I don't even know where to begin.

Guess what. When I have free time I am going to be so selfish about it and use it as me time. I feel bad as it is neglecting things, but fuck!! I am really stressed and overwhelmed. I'm my best friend's matron of honor next month and I know I've been a bad one. I haven't been responding to emails and texts lately. When I get time to sit down and think I get selfish!! I surf the net, I catch up on my DVR, read the news or I take a nap. After Janet goes to bed I spend time with my husband since that's the only time we get by ourselves.

When I have free time I don't want to do shit. I don't want to do work. I don't want to think.

I am so frustrated!! I think everything will be okay on Monday after Janet's party. Shit, I've even been neglecting that!!! I just realized I have so much to do for it.

Is it so wrong of me to be selfish with my free time? I don't have time to think of others it seems. I have time to think of Janet and when she's sleeping I think of me.

Also, I'm not sacrificing my sleep at night. With a sleeping disorder I can't. I have to get 7-8 hours of sleep. So no I won't stay up later. I will not cut down on my sleep. Sleep is sacred when you're a parent.

I just want to escape!! Also, I hate hormones.

Need To Vent A Little

I thought it would be boredom that would get to me. I don't have time to be bored. There is always something to do. It's loneliness that is getting to me. I feel so lonely. It doesn't help that I have social anxiety. It's not like I want to go out and do stuff. I wouldn't mind even just hanging out at home with other adults.

I love staying at home with Janet. I'm so incredibly lucky to be able to stay with her, but there are so many times I feel like she is my only friend. I'm feeling left out. I love it when she takes a nap because then I can get more chores finished, but it's also when it really sinks in how lonely I feel. Man, I used to be totally okay without anyone in my life. I loved being alone. But since Janet came along I feel the need of having adults in my life.

I want to be involved. I am so jealous of Zac because he gets to go to work everyday. I never thought I'd ever say that. He gets to escape. He gets to go to work and talk to friends. He gets to spend time with adults!!

I wish family lived nearby. It would be easier to escape with them around. I wouldn't feel as guilty to ask them to come over and watch Janet while Zac and I did stuff.

But in the end Janet's needs and wants trump mine. I'm shocked how I've been able to put me second. I used to think I couldn't be a parent because I am very selfish. Not anymore!

Shit. This could also be because I'm PMSing and hormones are out of whack.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

One Week

Next Sunday Janet turns one. Wow. That's all I can say. WOW.

It is by far the best day of my life. I never knew I could love someone so much. I never knew I could be so happy. I never thought I'd change. Why has God blessed me so much?

Many of my family will say religion has gotten to me or friends have. But they didn't make me change. Janet made me change. Janet gave me a whole new perspective on life. I was always selfish, putting my needs and wants in front of everyone's, including my husband. It was always about me. Me me me me me!!!

Then Janet came along. I'm nowhere near as selfish as I used to be. Janet's happiness and well being is my #1 priority. She is my everything. I will stop at nothing to make sure she is comfortable. All of my needs and wants come second. I'm hungry at the same time as Janet. Tough shit. Janet gets fed first.

Janet is my life. Janet is my princess. If Janet is happy, I am happy. If Janet is sad, I am sad.

I wouldn't change it for anything.