I thought it would be boredom that would get to me. I don't have time to be bored. There is always something to do. It's loneliness that is getting to me. I feel so lonely. It doesn't help that I have social anxiety. It's not like I want to go out and do stuff. I wouldn't mind even just hanging out at home with other adults.
I love staying at home with Janet. I'm so incredibly lucky to be able to stay with her, but there are so many times I feel like she is my only friend. I'm feeling left out. I love it when she takes a nap because then I can get more chores finished, but it's also when it really sinks in how lonely I feel. Man, I used to be totally okay without anyone in my life. I loved being alone. But since Janet came along I feel the need of having adults in my life.
I want to be involved. I am so jealous of Zac because he gets to go to work everyday. I never thought I'd ever say that. He gets to escape. He gets to go to work and talk to friends. He gets to spend time with adults!!
I wish family lived nearby. It would be easier to escape with them around. I wouldn't feel as guilty to ask them to come over and watch Janet while Zac and I did stuff.
But in the end Janet's needs and wants trump mine. I'm shocked how I've been able to put me second. I used to think I couldn't be a parent because I am very selfish. Not anymore!
Shit. This could also be because I'm PMSing and hormones are out of whack.